____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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