When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
