The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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