I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
