Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
