Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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