is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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