Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
