I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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