Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
