I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
