Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
