i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
