i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
