when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
