I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
