Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
