is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
