I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Gay?
German.
Pity.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
