I think I just saw someone hide a body.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
