I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
