that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I am naked and annoyed.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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