I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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