I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
