3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
