tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
