just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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