Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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