I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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