I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
