my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
