airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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