I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
