i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
