please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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