i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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