He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
