I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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