I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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