saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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