My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
