I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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