This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
