I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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