My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
