I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
