Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
