Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
