Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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