i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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