if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
